Categories: Late night thoughts

6 Jul 2010, Comments (1)

the skin we’re in

Author: Linnea

We know that old cells are always dying and new ones always growing. Somewhere I read that this leads to totally new cells every seven years. Of course I read somewhere else that brain cells don’t work that way and someone else argues that it’s every nine years, but seven is the number I’m using. Interestingly, Waldorf breaks life into seven year cycles too.

Seven years ago today, Ryan and I joined hands and started our branch of a family. Seven years ago, the cells that said “I do” were totally different and still, we grow, learn, and explore together. But we do agree, seven years is a good time to reread those vows, see where we want to refocus, see what was important seven years ago, point our rudder on the next seven years and the seven after that… Happy seven years and all those new cells Ryan Michael. I’m glad we don’t know the rest.

4 Jul 2010, Comments (1)

Nine Years Ago…

Author: Linnea

Nine years ago, I was celebrating the 4th of July in the Netherlands. In a mixed crowd of ex-pats, South Africans, Americans, Korean, and Dutch friends, we ate burgers and salad, lit sparklers, and someone splurged for coca-cola. Ryan was in that group, strange, isn’t it? Nine years ago. I’m not sure if I should be thinking how far away that evening seems or if I should be wondering– does my life now even resemble what I thought of life then?

Recently, I was talking with a friend about life… where we’re going… where we have been. She helped me to recognize that life (for me) has always been about living in the step that leads to the next step- there has generally been a next step (or two). Sure there have been happy diversions along the way, but generally speaking, I have been a planner. Clearly one does thing X to reach Y to reach goal Z… And yet, this friend helped me wrap my mind around the concept that X and Y change us. Maybe one thing does lead to another, but some of the experiences cause a distinct change in direction, sometimes we do thing X because we think it will lead to Y but instead it leads to H or 6 or * or not. So I must be open to now, recognizing that the discoveries made along the way help shape the nexts; and that there is not always a clear next just like there is not way I would have predicted, nine years ago, what would happen in the years that have followed.

And so, as we sat down to our homemade pizza topped with fresh veggies dinner on July 4, 2010, we remembered and we compared. Ryan asked if I would have predicted this for nine years later. And I would not have done so. Good thing too, because my imagination can be lousy.

30 Apr 2010, Comments (0)

The Waves

Author: Linnea

Long winter over, spring is here, but I have not been very “here.”  I’ve been a bit all over the place, mostly right with my family, but sometimes my mind has been far away in other places. I have been the cloudy one for a bit. There are undercurrents, we are working on projects and dreams and the likes. I hope to share more of this as it unfolds in the months to come. Today what I needed was just this one thing: to lay near the water, warmed by the sun, listening to the waves.  Today I just needed to make  peace with the waves.  Because sometimes life is the waves: it does exactly what it knows to do, what it is meant to do.  It cannot be stopped, it should not be stopped.  I do always understand it so I just let it be; I just let me be.

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20 Feb 2010, Comments (1)

Today

Author: Linnea

Today would have been my Grandma Steiner’s Birthday. Today she would have seen little great-granddaughters at play. She would have laughed as we fussed over her with cake and small tokens of our love for her. I know that she had a long life that she sought to live as happily as possible, but some days, I selfishly wish that she could have celebrated just a few more birthdays with us; that she could have marveled at my little girls; and that my girls could have held her soft, gentle hand.

27 Jan 2010, Comments (7)

Canada is Off the List

Author: Linnea

Canada is off the list of possible road trip destinations. My passport expires in just a couple of days.

I’m really bad at anticipating things that are to come. The whole advent leading up to Christmas? I’m still wrapping presents the night before and thinking about what I should have gifted on the 26th. New Years Resolutions? It’s half-way to February before I have anything concrete and that’s IF I’m lucky. Birthday cards and wishes? They’re meant to be sent after the actual day, right? If you ever see me on my own Birthday, you’ll probably see a deer and headlights. At least now you know why.

So when I went to renew my passport, it might make sense that I didn’t think about it until I was in line at the post office. Ten YEARS had gone by since I stood in the very same post office with my first application.

I was a freshman in college, home on winter break, planning a trip to Ireland for St.Patrick’s Day. Was that really ten years ago?

The post office clerk heckled me a bit…gave me the under-18 application and told me I needed a parent. (Under 18? Really. come.on.now.) And as I walked over to the table to fill out the renewal, I unexpectedly got teary. I used this passport to study in Spain…To fall in love…to learn how to dance…. There is sand from the Sahara stuck in its pages and it was about the only item not stolen from me in Portugal…I met my husband while traveling with it…I worked in Argentina…sampled Kiwi wines on a honeymoon…became a flight attendant…learned to make authentic Pad Thai…took my babe to Germany to play with her cousin…and what? Now I just start over? With a new book? Part of me fears that the next passport will seem lonely in comparison…I know that I won’t have the same adventures.  While I am not the same person I was when the picture was taken at nineteen, she is still many layers of who I am today and I don’t want to lose her.

With that, twenty-some days late, I finally have my New Year’s resolution. It is the resolution for the next passport book; the next ten years. It is to continue traveling forward, to continue to look in the mirror and remember my roots, my dreams, and my desires. It is to honor who I am, where I am at the same time as I celebrate what has helped me reach this place. It is to find joy, notice beauty, and fare forward. It is to dance with my husband and teach the songs to my girls.

It is traveling mercies.

It is Kyrie Eleison (where I’m going will you follow?)

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